Rōnin Today at 9:47 PM
and she suggested something that may help with a specific mental block of mine

so in short I struggle with expressing myself lately to the point that all of my social media is dead, I feel like I'm not even "allowed" to show the world that I exist, including any content I can produce

this is kind of a multilayer block of mine that somewhat also stems from trauma, so there are plenty of reasons why I try to cut myself out of existence this way

oh also

this all leads me to have a massive dissonance every time people ask me about my opinions or get interested in my thoughts, feelings, hobbies, art, and so on in general

the only way to get something out of me at this point is only by persistently bugging me about the subject or asking questions in different ways that may sooner or later trigger a sincere and open response

but most people obviously don't do that and tbh it kinda enables my isolation

I can't really blame them tho because it all probably reads like having a boundary and people just assume they're going too far and invade my privacy

some even blatantly stated that themselves, I'd be all closeted and they'd say something like "oh, I'm sorry for going too far, it's okay, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to" but the thing is I WANT I JUST THINK THAT I DESERVE TO DIE IF I DARE TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH ME AAAAA

so the idea that she proposed to me

she said that I should think about starting a telegram channel for a small group of people

she kinda does the same rn, made a channel she shares with close friends only where she posts all sorts of content and tries to make at least one sketch a day

idk if I should do this

I still struggle with allowing myself to open up completely, even to close people

I've been thinking about reviving my social media, but that would be too much to handle, so that's why she thinks I should start a small channel instead and get comfortable with sharing stuff with close people

damn it all feels like I'm learning how to... live once again

like I'm 5 or something y/o again who never got out of house before